It appears that the good people at Volkswagen have once again failed to meet even the most conservative expectations of civilized society—or should I say, the few daring enough to glance at a balance sheet. A 36.3 percent collapse in post-tax profit, following an already dismal first quarter, leaves us with the impression of a once-mighty industrial colossus now stumbling about in the dark, tripping over tariffs, restructuring blunders, and the ignoble reality of their frankly uninspired electric vehicles. One almost feels compelled to send flowers.

The CFO’s attempt at gallantry by claiming results are “at the upper end of internal forecasts” is the sort of masterful understatement one expects from a professional class clinging to their bonuses while orchestrating the dismissal of 35,000 less-fortunate souls. I suppose it is these deplorable masses, who have simply failed to rise above their station, who will bear the brunt of yet another round of “restructuring.” Naturally, such reforms are vital—one must keep the rowing crew lean while captains dine in the officers’ lounge.

As for CEO Blume’s assurances regarding improvements in “product quality, design, technology, and software,” I trust he is referring to the sort of digital trappings that make motorcars palatable to the nouveau riche and Instagram influencers, none of whom possess an ounce of taste. The real scandal is that profits are dragged down by electric vehicles. It’s almost amusing: in their dash to appease regulators and the teeming masses marching behind Greta Thunberg, they have neglected the one thing that matters—profit. Imagine building cars to save the planet rather than to preserve family fortunes!

Of course, the ever-capricious Americans and their sanctions are blamed for much of this trouble, but it’s rather too convenient, isn’t it? The world’s true elite knows the value of diversifying assets and influence, rather than complaining about trade winds beyond their control. And amid further talk of plant closures in places like Nanjing, one wonders what will happen to all those left in the lurch—though frankly, these layoffs may provide an opportunity for self-improvement among the less gifted.

In conclusion, Volkswagen’s woes are both tragic and predictable for those lacking vision and breeding. Perhaps the working classes now facing a future of redundancy can take inspiration from those of us who always land on our feet: with substantial trust funds, impeccable timing, and the wisdom to never, ever confuse good intentions with good business. Quiet dignity in hardship is all very well for the rabble; for the rest of us, it’s merely a question of waiting to buy up what’s left at a suitable discount.